While casual sex has a certain thrill and newness, sex in relationships can be truly divine. This is because in the context of trust and safety in a relationship, you can really take the time to learn what truly pleases your partner. If you are someone who has gotten addicted to the unknown pleasures of a first-time encounter with a new partner, you can train yourself to become entranced with the deeper pleasure of discovering NEW pleasure possibilities with a regular partner.
Many people get lazy with a longterm partner, and don’t try to discover new possible sources and style of pleasure. This is why they miss the possible intense pleasure that can come from sex in relationships. The first step is to commit to putting your attention on your partner’s pleasure. That sounds simple, but it is powerful. It changes everything when your focus becomes bringing your partner pleasure. You can both commit to this enlightened sexual perspective. And you can take turns!
For example, you could decide that Monday night you put your entire focus on pleasing your partner, then the next time you make love, you are the receiver. Stick to this agreement and this plan, and it builds trust at a very deep level, because you each know you can expect that you will get your turn. Instead of just trying to both get your needs met in the same session, you are creating a space where first one person, then the other gets their turn. This allows the receiver to really relax into the experience without having to worry about taking care of their partner. This is the secret to making sex in relationships go to a new level of satisfaction. And by the way, it is always polite to let the lady come first!
Although unexpected, impulsive sex can be a rush, for most people sex in those circumstances is rare, and often dangerous! But the truth is, deeper pleasure comes from feeling relaxed and safe, where you have the time to go deeper into the sensation. This is especially true for women who are generally more orgasmic when they feel safe.
Most people love spontaneity, but the truth is, planned sex in relationships can be really nourishing, as long as you don’t resist the sessions. Make “play dates,” which are about first one partner, then the other being the center of attention. Imagine going through your day knowing it is your night! That is all part of the extended foreplay and arousal. So it is really important in this trust-building phase that you don’t cancel a play date, just because you are tired, or distracted, or some other kind of resistance surfaces.
For these play dates, set some boundaries around what will happen in the session. Examples of boundaries might be time and activity. Decide that each session will last about 20 minutes. Decide what activities you will do, such as manual stimulation of one person’s genitals. Then after that session, if you want to include other activities, such as oral stimulation or intercourse, make that be something you do AFTER the first session is complete. Don’t short cut a session by having intercourse too soon, even if your partner begs! This “sticking to the rules” may seem antithetical to the free flow of pleasure, but remember these are training sessions. They are about building trust and reducing unknowns and uncertainties. This takes the pressure off both partners.
Taking the pressure off performance and orgasm is another really good idea for these sessions. If orgasms happen, wonderful! But they are not the goal of these training sessions. These sessions are about taking your time. They are about really learning what exactly feels best. They are exploratory sessions where you really pay attention to what feels good. The goal is to raise arousal levels, not necessarily bring them to a climax and release. If you are both so turned on and just want to “go at it” after a session (as often happens) that is fine, as long as you don’t short-circuit the first discovery phase.
Sex in relationships involve communication and trust. It is a big mistake to assume your partner is a mind-reader, or a body reader. They really need to be shown what you like and how you like it. If you are not used to talking so intimately with your partner, you need to take small steps in this direction. Things like “That feels good,” or “That doesn’t feel as good,” help your partner to understand what is working. Talk a lot during these sessions. It is not a constant narration, but let your partner know what feels good, or what would feel better. One good reason to be using hand-to-genital stimulation for these exploratory sensuality sessions is that it allows both people to talk, to use their eyes and ears to really observe responses. You always want to make requests sweetly, politely, never as a criticism. Making your partner feel wrong or bad about what they are doing or not doing is an instant buzz-kill!
It is important to make the environment for these sessions as pleasing as possible for the partner who is receiving pleasure. They should have as much control over light, sound, texture and other sensory details as possible, to make the scene conducive for giving in to pleasure. Do what you can to make the room pleasing to the senses, and remember scent is a big part of sensual pleasure. Sex in relationships is a sacred activity! So treat these training sessions as an important ritual.
When people are first dating, they often pull out all the stops. They flirt, they tease, they do all kinds of courtship activities. Why stop doing these things once you are in a relationship? They worked to get it going, and they can work to keep it going.
Sexually, we all love a little tease. Especially if the intention is to heighten pleasure! There is teasing that is mean, which is about holding out the promise of pleasure, then not delivering. But sex in a relationship needs to have healthy teasing, which is a form of foreplay. Healthy sex in relationships involves teasing the sensations, which raises anticipation and arousal. You want to include some teasing in your sessions where you “back-off” high sensation, and let the person “come down” for just a second or so, then return to the higher level of arousal zones. This is called “peaking,” and can actually build to a higher climax!
You need to know what pleases you so you can communicate to your partner. So masturbation is an important part of a couple’s love life. You might even want to do this in each other’s presence, so your partner can learn your little tricks! Nothing like watching your partner enjoy him or herself to raise your own arousal.
These techniques really work and have helped hundreds of couples in our practice to have healthy, deeply satisfying sex in relationships. We wish you all the best on your journey of sensual self discovery!
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Go to Love Lesson #1-Improving your Relationship Love Life
Go to Love Lesson #2-Two Key Words in Relationships Starting With Sex
Love Lesson #3 - Delight, The Secret
Love Lesson #4 - Awakening Passion
Love Lesson #5 - More on Pleasure
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