Relationship Love Life: Lesson # 1
– Focus on Pleasure -

This is the first in a series of relationship love life lessons that will help you to create better sex in relationships. Each lesson focuses on a different area that will help ignite your love life!

Tip # 1
Always pay attention to what feels good to you. 

By paying attention you are keeping your focus on pleasure, and that leads you away from problems and toward solutions. We are used to focusing on pain, but this tip is all about focusing on pleasure. Keeping your focus on what feels good is what helps you reconnect to your own pleasure and that of your partner. This is the secret to a healthy relationship love life. 

Tip # 2
Don’t do anything that doesn’t feel good to you. Ever.

Everyone is unique. There is no “one-size fits all” prescription to improve your relationship love life. If what we suggest in this article makes you feel good, do more of it. If not, don’t do it. When it comes to sex, don’t do anything that doesn’t feel good to you. Ever. Commit to only doing what feels good when it comes to sex in relationship.

Tip # 3
Trust your own body and your responses.

That in itself is a healing process because in order to trust yourself, you have to honor your own truth. You don’t have to explain or justify what you are feeling. Just listen to what feels good. If it feels good, it is good. If your body is not responding, there is something else that it needs to feel good in order to maintain a healthy relationship love life.

This series of Love Lessons on our site are suggestions and descriptions, not prescriptions. What we mean by that is that the information and exercises in this section have been very helpful to many of our clients, but it is not an absolute answer to every problem. Some individuals and couples may need to seek the assistance of a qualified and effective counselor for their specific circumstances.

Of course, there is no magic bullet that works for everyone to improve their relationship love life. Modify the exercises to the challenge level that works best for you. There may be one exercise that is so powerful you want to repeat it many times. Please try each one with a truly open mind and heart, but if it isn’t for you, let it go.

Why Focus on Pleasure is Healing

There was a time when you trusted pleasure. It felt good. It made you happy. It made you feel full. You wanted more and felt delighted when you got it.

Then language showed up.

The word “NO!” in particular had a pretty clear meaning. “No, don’t touch that!” “No, don’t put that in your mouth! “No, don’t do that!” We heard a lot of those words and saw the faces that went with them, and they made a strong impression in our minds. After all, they came from people we were dependent on for our very survival.

For the most part the people who said “No!” to us zillions of times were doing the best they could to protect us from the perils that go along with infant pleasure, such as touching everything, putting everything in our mouth, and in general exploring the world through our senses.

The problem was that what we were doing felt good. But the looks on their faces said that was bad. And so we began to doubt that what feels good is good.

Somewhere along the road of leaving infancy, we lost the Paradise of Pleasure where everything was experienced through the senses. Now we have to get it back. How?

We go back home through our senses. To what feels good.

The journey home is paved with pleasure. And the shortcut is to always pay attention to what feels good, because:

Tip # 4
What Feels Good is Good

To have a good relationship love life you need to remember this because what feels good is what is authentic and true for you. And what is authentic and true feels good. On the other hand, it feels awful to be phony, or to pretend to be happy, or to try to make someone else happy at the expense of your own happiness. It feels constricting to follow someone else’s prescription for your life if it doesn’t ring true for you. It feels maddening to accept someone else’s version of reality if it doesn’t match yours. The only thing that feels good is to live in accordance with what you know to be true, because that is the only thing that feels good. This is the key to a healthy relationship love life.

When it comes to good sex in relationships we believe that the journey back home to a pleasurable life is through pleasure. So if what you’re doing is feeling good, it is like a Geiger counter that tells you you’re on the right track. Pleasure or good feelings are your inner guidance system pointing you in the authentic direction. Pay attention to what feels good, and you will strengthen your connection to your authenticity, and you’ll have more of it. This is the fastest way to enliven sex in relationships.

Because the mind can only focus on one thing at a time, focusing on pleasure is very therapeutic. It eases away suffering. Since the mind likes to be busy, it can be busy on the experience of joy or pleasure. Sex and healthy relationships need this focus because focus on pleasure increases pleasure.

Tip # 5: Take Time to Pleasuresize

Exercising your sense of pleasure increases your ability to feel more of it. So if that sounds like fun to you, here is a little “pleasure in action process we call “Pleasuresize.” The fastest way to improve sex in relationship is to increase your ability to experience pleasure.

Pick one of your favorite senses, such as sight, sound or touch. Let’s say you picked sight (but you can pick whichever one seems more fun to you.) Focus your eyes on something right where you are that brings you some pleasure. If you happen to have an extraordinary view of the ocean at sunset, that’s wonderful.

But even if you are sitting in the dullest of rooms, find something, a color, a shape, a pattern that makes you feel good. If you are reading this from a maximum security prison, you can imagine something. Imagination is also very effective. By the way, this good thing doesn’t have to catapult you into full-body bliss, it just needs to be something that makes you feel more good than you did a second ago.

Now, really focus on it; in the sense of letting it in, letting it affect your senses. Allow the good feeling to permeate or move through you. Feel the effect of focusing on this good thing. This is not a mental, thinking exercise. This is about the sensory experience of how it feels in your body to focus on something good. Then find something else that feels good.

Find one or two more things that you can enjoy. Do you notice that you are quickly starting to feel better? If you are using the sense of sound, really listen to something pleasurable. Or with taste or touch, focus and amplify that sensation. The reason you feel better so quickly doing this pleasuresize is because focusing any one of your senses on what feels good has a beneficial effect on your entire being, which includes your state of mind. Having wonderful sex in relationships is all about keeping your focus on pleasure! This will lead to the best sex and healthy relationships.

Go from Relationship Love Life to Sex in Relationships

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