There are so many things that pull us away from pleasure. Everything from daily burdens and stressors, to irritability and laziness! It is true – it takes energy and focus to keep your attention on pleasure! When you are first dating, and the relationship has it’s own natural chemistry, you may have even taken sex and pleasure for granted. But in long-term relationships, it can be easy to slip into patterns of putting your attention on anything but pleasure. Read the following relationship sex advice to find out how to change this.
In any given moment you can focus on pleasure or pain. All things exist simultaneously, so it is a question of the impact of where you put your focus. People often think that what they are feeling is the result of what is going on. If good things are happening, you feel good, but if bad things are happening, you have to feel bad. While it is true that when good things are happening, we do feel good. It is easier when your mate is loving and sensual to feel loving and sensual back. But if we have to rely on feeling good on these external events, then we are at the mercy of them.
The most important relationship sex advice to understand about having more pleasure in life is to not depend on externals to generate the mood. You can’t let it be dependent on what is going on outside your head. What matters is where you put your attention. You’ve probably heard of the spiritual principle called “The Law of Attraction” which states that what you put your attention on will increase. And the more focused your attention the more powerfully that is true.
We like to remind clients that “What you think about – you bring about.” And the more you focus on pleasure the more pleasure there will be in your life. The more you focus on any kind of pleasure, the more you exercise your brain’s “pleasure pathways” which leads to increased capacity for sexual pleasure. Thinking about pleasure, even just being open and willing to experience it (even if you aren’t having any right now!) creates a magnetic field. It attracts more pleasure into your life.
What is important to understand here is that you must be focused ON PLEASURE – not its absence! In other words if you are thinking about how there is no pleasure in your life, or you are feeling sad that you are not having pleasure – that is not the feeling of pleasure you are focusing on – in this case you are focusing on it’s absence, and that can lead to feelings of more sadness. This can attract more sad feelings or feelings of unworthiness, of not deserving pleasure.
You really need to have a talk with yourself and make sure you believe you deserve pleasure. Do you want to hear this relationship sex advice? If you are “broadcasting” a mental signal that says “I don’t believe I deserve pleasure” then that may be what shows up in your life. We all have parts of ourselves that don’t believe we deserve pleasure. We need to be honest and find them, and clean out those old ideas.
If you are angry that you are not having pleasure, that is sending a message out that you are angry. That is the exact opposite of the idea of focusing on pleasure. Think of it this way – what you are thinking about is what you are bringing about.
When our clients ask us how they can experience more pleasure in their life we give them this simple, but powerful homework. It will help you re-orient your brain and emotions, like a compass learning how to point to the true North or true pleasure in your life.
It begins with the simple willingness to direct your thoughts, emotions and awareness to more pleasure. You begin to look for, listen to and touch things that are pleasurable. Start by deliberatly noticing what is pleasurable that is already around you. As you put your focus on Pleasure by putting your attention on things that please you, hold your awareness there for ten seconds.
It could be the smallest thing – a memory, a leaf in front of you that is perfect, the color of the sky, anything your eyes land on. When you find your mind drawn to what is not pleasurable, just turn your mind back to anything that is pleasurable. Notice and acknowledge how focusing on pleasurable things makes you feel good.
Do this exercise wherever you are – on line at the post office, in the elevator, at work. The capacity to experience pleasure is a mental muscle. The more you use it, the stronger it gets. Increasing your ability to experience pleasure in any area is the way to increase your capacity for sexual pleasure. Initially practice this exercise away from sexual situations, and when you are ready -- practice it with sensual memories.
Find a comfortable and pleasurable place on your own body, such as the inside of your arm by the elbow bend. Using one or two fingertips of the other hand, very gently stroke the skin a few times. Then vary the pressure, rhythm and movement pattern. As you are doing this, focus your total awareness on the sensation you are feeling. Make adjustments to make it feel better. Then try a touch that is “too much” or feels worse, then come back to the pleasurable sensation. By going back and forth a couple of times from better, to “not as good,” then back to better, it focuses your awareness on what feels better. Get so clear as to what exactly feels good (direction, rhythm, pressure, pads of fingers versus backs of fingers, and so on) that you could show someone else exactly how to do it to you.
Now that you are comfortable in having more pleasure in your own body, you are ready to show your partner exactly how you like this finger touch on your elbow. Practice with them finding the variations of “better” “not as good” “even better.” This is also a communication exercise. Because you are practicing with a not-specifically-sexual place on the body, it is easier to focus on the sensation and to communicate what you like, and learn what your partner likes. All this time keep your total focus on pleasure, the pleasure of receiving and the pleasure of giving.
When you are ready, practice this same technique on specifically sexual places on the body. Again, concentrate on feeling pleasure before, during and after sensual contact – by putting all your awareness on a simple moment of physical pleasure, such as a touch, a kiss, a point of contact – and allow this to increase the sensation of pleasure by including all your senses. Without intensifying the action of the stimulation, let the sensation of pleasure “flood” into wider areas other than just the place being touched. By focusing on the point of pleasure and letting it expand, you will experience an increase in pleasure. In the beginning you may only be able to experience the increase for a second or two. That is fine. Continue to practice. Your ability to allow pleasure will increase with practice.
We’ve all had enough experience of suffering. In fact we can get addicted to the habit of not feeling good. If we are not careful, we can get comfortable with discomfort. The way around that “lazy” habit of not taking the time to focus on pleasure is to make it a daily habit. Pick something you do every day, like take a shower or brush your teeth, or getting dressed. As you do this thing that you do anyway, take a couple of moments to focus on pleasure. Again, keep it simple. Find a visual you like, a color, a sound, a physical sensation. Like a cat stretching, make this what you do before you get into your unconscious “auto pilot” routine. Give yourself an affirmation like “I Focus on What Pleases Me.”
Enjoy your life! You deserve all the pleasure you are willing to feel.
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