Sometimes men think they need to have the perfect words to say to their woman. But what women want is a good listener.
Women are good at talking!
What women want is a man who makes them feel like he is really listening to the heart of what they are saying. This means don’t react or respond to every detail of the story. Learn to listen for the core need or emotion that is driving the story!
Don’t feel like you have to rush in a present a quick solution if she is complaining. What she may really want is your understanding of how it made her feel. She is looking for some compassion about what she is experiencing, some validation.
Unless she specifically asks you for advice, refrain from giving it. Giving advice is often not of value even though it can be hard to resist giving it.
Instead, listen for the emotion that is driving the story of what happened. If you don’t know what emotion she is feeling, you can ask a simple question, “Wow, that sounds awful. How did it make you feel?”
This simple question will melt her – it’s what women want! If you try to just solve her problem when she is angry, she may defend her emotional response, and even take it out on you. So, bypassing the story and try to avoid getting tangled up in the.
Just because women want you to listen to them doesn’t mean they don’t want you to talk. It is just a matter of listen first, talk second. Wait till she stops talking before you speak, that is always safer!
People who are good at conversation are happier people. This is because most of their interactions are either friendly, productive, or connection building. Some people seem to be born with these skills. The rest of us can learn to develop them.
The most basic skill of conversation is not what you say, but what you do or don’t do. Specifically, good conversationalists are good listeners. They don’t interrupt. They don’t interject. They don’t make snide comments about what the other person is saying.
That’s what women want. Let her finish her thoughts without throwing in a curve ball. If you want to improve your skills and be someone that people like to talk to, become a better listener.
Women want men to be good listeners, and this doesn’t mean you say nothing, you just chose your moment to say it. She wants to feel that you are engaged and connected to her words. This means that your body language is focused on her and not doing six other tasks, or fidgeting, or looking elsewhere. Eye contact shouldn’t be staring or unblinking, but should match the intensity or degree of connection her own style.
When it comes to eyes, some women prefer more direct eye contact than others. Western cultures tend to value direct eye connection, and Asian and other cultures prefer more fleeting meeting of the eyes. But don’t assume you know – because your woman may have been raised in another culture other than her birth origins.
You will know what she is comfortable with by observing, because she will show you with her own behavior how she wants to be treated. So you need to be watching her to learn from her cues.
Watch two girl friends chatting with each other. Even if you can’t hear their words, you can see their body language. They are probably very focused on each other, maybe even facing each other. One is talking and the other adds little auditory cues like “ah huh,” “yeah” “um” or other little sounds that mean without saying it: “I’m listening, go on, what you’re saying is interesting.” That ‘s what women want. Without these cues, the talker will not feel as if the other person cares to have them continue.
And space is important. Everyone has a sense of personal space, and you violate it at great risk to their comfort. For example, two strangers meeting should stay about the distance of one outstretched arm’s length apart from the person they are talking to.
Moving closer will send a different message. It may be construed as intimate or aggressive, depending upon other body language cues. Ever stand too close to a stranger in an elevator? They will definitely adjust themselves to create the “right distance” between themselves and you.
Ask open-ended questions like: “How was your day?” rather than closed questions, which have only a yes or no answer. If you ask: “Bad day?” you might get a “yes” or a “no” and then the conversation comes to a grinding halt. Open questions require more lengthy answers and this invites more back and forth conversational momentum.
Reveal something of yourself to your woman if you want to move the conversation out of the polite and distant realm and into a more connecting zone. There is an art to self-disclosure. And then pay attention to her response.
It is not about you dropping excessive personal details like a bombing raid. It’s like pouring a bit of cream in a cup of coffee. Each person has a kind of “just right” zone – for how much they want to hear and too much is definitely too much.
Jo-Ellan Dimitrius, author of Reading People, talks about how effective the right level of personal disclosure can be:
“Johnnie Cochran’s jury selection in the O.J. Simpson criminal trial is the best I have ever witnessed. Everyone in the courtroom had to appreciate his mastery of the art of self-disclosure. It was as if he were sitting down for a cup of coffee in the living room of each juror. He laughed. He smiled. They laughed and smiled back. He struck a perfect balance, telling the jury something about himself without revealing too much. That balance is the art of self-disclosure.”
Having good conversations with friends, family and strangers leaves you feeling more enriched. When you have a good conversation with someone, even a casual one with someone standing in line at the bank, you both feel more uplifted because a real connection has been made, even if just for a moment. This is what women want to feel from their man and from their interactions with them.
As humans, we all crave real interactions and genuine connections. It lifts our spirits and those around us. So if you want to be happy, and make others happy, practice your listening skills and improve all your conversations.
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