What Women Want in Men
- is a man who knows how to bring his heart to her
What women want in men they are in a relationship with is the feeling of
really being understood. They want more than just to be listened to
with your ears. They want your heart involved. If you have ever been in a
relationship with a woman, you have probably heard something like this:
“Are you really listening to me?" That’s because even if the ears hear,
the heart may be on ice.
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We have all experienced this sensation of not feeling truly heard
when speaking to family, friends, co-workers, customer service people.
We know their ears are working, but we don’t feel truly understood,
truly heard. For women, this is a classic and frustrating feeling of not
feeling heard. And when they don’t feel heard, they don’t feel
respected or honored. When your wife or girlfriend feels that she hasn’t
been truly heard, her frustration level rises. Then either angry or
withdrawing behaviors emerge. It is such a common problem, and it has
such a simple remedy. You can learn the secret of what women want in men
by just following a few easy steps.
Frustration and hurt are
often the result when the speaker doesn’t feel that the listener is
responding to their underlying needs and concerns. This can create an
endless verbal cycle that makes communication feel more like a vicious
game of ping-pong, instead of a dialogue that creates connection. The
truth is that listening is an art. Listening with the heart, where the
intention is to truly understand the other, is not a passive process. It
really requires a certain presence of mind on the part of the listener.
It is an act of compassion to really listen to another person. This is
truly what women want in men, but don’t always get.
character for the verb to listen tells us something significant about
this skill. The Chinese character is composed of the following elements:
“ears," “eyes," “undivided attention," and “heart." There is much more
to listening than just a hole in the side of our head where sound
tumbles in one side and rolls out the other.
Can we listen with
our eyes? Absolutely! Women are often attuned to non-verbal
communication. They “see" what you are feeling in your eyes. Many
important pieces of communication are non-verbal; that is they are not
delivered through the actual words. The body language, whether the
positions are open or closed, the tone of voice, the speed of the voice,
the intensity and pitch of the voice, all give her clues to the
underlying emotion and mood of the speaker. She will often use her eyes
to gather information as you are talking, so that she won’t miss these
If your mind is wandering as you listen, you are
wasting your time as well as hers. But on the other hand, if your
intention is to really hear, and you are taking the time to listen, then
the only way to make your effort worthwhile is to give her your
This is what women want in men. Consciously
or unconsciously she senses if you are really present for her. But if
your mind is busy thinking about what you are going to say next, or
forming objections or rebuttals in your mind, the interaction really
suffers. This divided attention takes away energy and focus from what
she is actually saying. What women want in men are partners who care
about how she feels and what she needs.
If you are running a
silent inner verbal track as your wife or girlfriend is speaking, you
can almost guarantee that no listening is occurring. This is like trying
to listen to two different radio stations at the same time. Then, since
there are gaps in what you actually received or heard, your brain will
try to fill in with your own interpretations of the parts you did hear.
The result is you may misperceive or even misjudge the true meaning of
what she is actually saying.
There is a good reason why the last
part of the Chinese character for the verb to listen is “heart." You
don’t have to love her, but you do need to care enough to be fully
present for her. This doesn’t mean that you have to agree with her. It
just means that you are willing to be open to hear what she has to say.
While you are listening your face and body language will show genuine
interest, or the lack of it.
So give her appropriate eye contact.
(I say appropriate because different cultures have different
expectations about the amount or duration of direct eye contact.) And
most importantly, whether or not you care about her subject, do you care
about really hearing her? Really hearing someone is an act of
compassion, and creates connection between you and the woman you care
about, even if you disagree about the subject.
listening can have such a dramatic impact on her that it goes a long way
to resolve conflict. Conflict is a natural part of life. As long as
there is more than one human being on this planet, there will be a time
when one person wants one thing and the other one wants something else.
When person “A" feels really heard and understood by person “B,"
guaranteed, fifty percent of the problem is handled! You may not believe
me at first, but test this out in your own interactions. I think you
will be amazed at how powerful this can be.
This is what women
want in men, and if you give this to her, she will think you are the
prince of her dreams. When you really listen to not only the words, but
for the underlying concerns or interests of the woman in your life, and
let her know that you have heard her, her emotional intensity
When she feels really listened to, she will calm down.
is an example: A wife complains to her husband: “You never pick up your
clothes! What do you expect me to do, just be your maid?" I’m sure you
could imagine any number of responses from the husband that would
accelerate the wife’s feelings and lead to an instant argument. But how
about this as a possible response from you: “Sounds like you feel like I
take you for granted..." Can you see how these words might make the
wife feel really heard? The power of phrases that make the speaker feel
really heard and understood is sometimes amazing. We all need to feel
understood. The first step is to really listen, with the wisdom of the
Chinese character, with your ears, your eyes, your undivided mind, and
most importantly your heart! This is what women want in men. You can
become her perfect man – just by remembering this!
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Photo Credit Bryan Lowe