I admit it, I’m a lousy listener. When my girlfriend complains – I know what I need to do – jump in, not let her even finish her sentence, and just give the best advice. World class solutions. Because I instantly know how to fix her. It’s important not to let her wallow in her misery, especially when she could be being so much more logical.
I love logic. It solves most problems. Why does she cling to such emotional dramas would she could simply just do something logical! Or violent. Why doesn’t she just blow up her office if she hates it so much? Okay I don’t mean that. You have to understand, sometimes a man has to do what a man has to do.
And whenever she goes on and on and on about her deep personal emotions, I feel like I am drowning in toxic waste. Yet she still insists I am trampling on her feelings like a herd of elephants. Believe me, if I trampled, they’d be gone already. And isn’t that what she really wants? To get rid of them? Sometimes women are so mysterious.
Truthfully, why does she call me a terrible listener? I have listened, and listened, and listened. And as far as I can tell, it hasn’t solved anything because the next day she just has a whole new set of problems. And when it comes to work, or her parents, it’s the same old song wrapped up in a new set if nonsensical, irrational, illogical nonsense.
Why is it so important to her that I be a good listener? Isn’t that what they make girlfriends for? I have much more important contributions to make to our relationship – like sex. And more sex. And even better sex.
I should tell you that I like listening during sex. As long as it doesn’t require a verbal response on my part.
She always says “I just want you to listen to me.” She could get a potato to do that. Or a cat. Or a voice recorder. I am not just some passive listening device. I am her prince. I fix things. I slay dragons. I kill spiders. No spider ever asked me to listen.
So, if you don’t want my advice, don’t unload your rambling misery on me. I have my own inner nonsense to contend with. So, let’s just agree – I am a lousy listener. You are an excellent complainer. You complete me. Can we just learn to celebrate each other’s differences as your Cosmo magazine cover commands? Yes, I read it. And I particularly loved the article on “How to Make Your Man Wild with Desire.”
Now you have my full attention.
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