In our combined half-century of counseling men and women in relationships, we often hear the same complaints from women that go like this: “My man just doesn’t seem to focus on my pleasure.
This is not because men don’t care, men just don’t know what that means, or how to do it.
Men are raised to be task oriented. They think in terms of getting a job done, and enjoy getting to the finish line in as short and efficient a way as possible.
That is a great strategy for many projects in life. But when it comes to how to romance your wife, this just isn’t the best approach. You have to train yourself not to be “outcome focused” and results oriented.
Making love to a woman is a process of savoring the journey! It is not about getting anywhere or “getting the job done.”
It you are a very linear person who is trained to focus on outcomes, you may have to retrain yourself to approach your wife or partner differently.
For example, instead of trying to focus on getting her to orgasm, change your approach. Focus on how much pleasure you can generate in just whatever touch you are doing at this moment. Spend twenty seconds or so just focusing on finding her favorite strokes on her back, her arm, or any other non-genital zone.
Put your whole attention on her response. Does she like it better when your touch is softer or firmer? Does she like it when your hand moves, or stays still? Does she like your hand roaming over a wider area of her skin? Or does she like it focused on one spot. Many women prefer to not have you “drill down” in one area, but instead keep your hand moving towards and away from sensitive zones like the neck or breasts. You may need to learn specifically how to romance your wife, even if you have been together for some time.
If you are someone that isn’t used to putting your whole attention on pleasure, and most men have gotten out of the habit of paying attention to the small pleasures of life, you may need to remind yourself how important this is to your own well-being.
Practice the skill of observing or paying attention to the ordinary little details of life that bring you pleasure, even when you are away from your wife. Use all your senses, sight, sound, taste, touch. It could be the smallest thing, a memory, a leaf in front of you that is perfect, the color of the sky, anything your eyes land on. When you find your mind drawn back to what is not pleasurable, just turn your mind to anything that is pleasurable. Notice and acknowledge how focusing on pleasurable things makes you feel good.
Then when you go home to your wife, your brain will be oriented toward pleasure, you will be more connected to your senses, and your sense of pleasure. This will make you more sensitive to her responses.
If you want to learn how to romance your wife, do this exercise wherever you are – on line at the post office, in the elevator, at work.
The capacity to experience pleasure is a mental muscle. The more you use it, the stronger it gets. Increasing your ability to experience pleasure in any area is the way to increase your capacity for sexual pleasure. Initially practice this exercise away from sexual situations, and when you are ready, practice it with sensual memories.
If you feel ready to apply this, and you want to learn how to romance your wife or partner at a whole new level, you can practice this sensory awareness exercise together.
Find a comfortable, safe and pleasurable place on her body, such as the inside of her arm by the elbow bend. Using one or two fingertips of your hand, very gently stroke the skin a few times. Then vary the pressure, rhythm and movement pattern. As you are doing this, focus your total awareness on the sensation you are feeling. Make adjustments to make it feel better.
Ask her which touches feel better to her. And observe for yourself which touches seem to open her to more pleasure, and which touches seem to shut down her sensation.
Don’t be afraid to make mistakes when you romance your wife this way. Sometimes a touch is just right, but often it can be a “buzz kill.” If you try a touch that is “too much” or feels worse, you have learned something really important! Then you can go back to the pleasurable sensation.
By going back and forth a couple of times from better, to “not as good”, then back to better, it focuses the attention and awareness of both of you on what feels better. Get so clear as to what exactly feels good (direction, rhythm, pressure, pads of fingers versus backs of fingers, and so on) so you can remember to touch her just the way she likes. When you do that, you will become a master of how to romance your wife every time.
It is great to take turns at this game of learning how to really please each other. Give her pleasure first, unless that makes her uncomfortable. Then show her exactly how you like this finger touch on your elbow. Practice with her finding the variations of “better” “not as good” “even better.”
This is also a communication exercise. Because you are practicing to romance your wife or partner with a not-specifically-sexual place on the body, it is easier to focus on the sensation and to communicate what you like, and learn what your partner likes. All this time, keep your total focus on pleasure, the pleasure of receiving and the pleasure of giving.
Keeping your focus on her pleasure is the secret to how to romance your wife.
When you are ready, practice this same technique on specifically sexual places on the body.
Again, concentrate on feeling pleasure before, during and after sensual contact, by putting all your awareness on a simple moment of physical pleasure, such as a touch, a kiss, a point of contact, and allow this to increase the sensation of pleasure by including all your senses. Without intensifying the action of the stimulation, let the sensation of pleasure “flood” into wider areas other than just the place being touched.
By focusing on the point of pleasure and letting it expand, you will experience an increase in pleasure. In the beginning you may only be able to experience the increase for a second or two. That is fine. Continue to practice. Your ability to allow pleasure will increase with practice.
“What are you willing to do now to have more pleasure in your life?”
During your day, remind yourself of this positive affirmation: “I Focus on What Pleases Me.”
That doesn’t mean that doing these new exercises won’t bring up feelings that you may not label as pleasurable. When you are exploring new territory sexually, all kinds of feelings may emerge. So what? Let ‘em. It’s a sign that you are pushing through your old ways. Emotional “stuff” can and will come up. Keep turning your attention to what feels good.
Just as when you are learning a new physical activity, your muscles may ache. But it is still fun to learn a new skill. So this mindset may help you navigate through this journey. It is actually good to have stuff come up, because it gives you a chance to exercise your new mental discipline, which is redirecting your mind towards pleasure.
When you learn how to romance your wife or partner with this new focus on her pleasure, magic happens.
Let us know how it works for you!
"I love you!"
Those are the three words we most want to hear.
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