If you are looking for Ms or Mr. Right there are a few First Date Questions that can really help you sort through the keepers and those who just aren’t right for you. Assuming you are sincere in identifying Ms/Mr Right – and not just ”looking” you can be more systematic by asking the right first date questions.
If you have identified your goal as finding a life partner, you can develop a more effective strategy to achieve it. Many people view the search for the right partner as a random process or even just luck. While we’re not about to reduce the search for domestic bliss to a formula, there are some guidelines and good first date questions that will keep you on the correct path.
In our practice as a relationship coaches, clients are always asking: “How can you tell if he is Mr. Right?” Or “How do I know if she is the one?” We admit these are not easy questions with pat answers, but there are clues that take some of the mystery out of choosing the right mate.
The first question you need to honestly ask yourself is what are you really looking for? Are you sure you want a committed, permanent relationship, or do you just think you should want that? So, the first step is not to look at the potential partner, but to look inside your own heart and determine what it is that you truly desire.
Let’s assume for the sake of this conversation that you are looking for permanent partnership. We’re not talking about staying in a miserable relationship. It is not longevity for longevity’s sake that is the goal, but creating a relationship that is filled with vitality, respect, harmony and love. We’re talking about an everlasting love, committed passion, creating an enduring partnership. If you are dating and looking for this type of partner, it doesn’t have to be a blind shooting gallery.
So here’s a surprise – the best first date questions are not the ones you ask your partner – they are the ones you ask yourself!
Here are seven questions that will steer you in the right dating direction. They are seven clues to help you get clear as to whether or not you should have a second date with this person.
Ask Yourself these Seven Important Questions about your First Date:
First Date Question #1: How are you treated during the first date?
Good signs: Your partner respects your wishes, your boundaries, and your time. What he/she says matches what he/she does. Your partner is supportive and responsive to your needs. Bad Signs: You are put down in front of others. There is emotional, mental, verbal or physical abuse. There are big imbalances of or abuses of power. There are lies, or discrepancies in what you are told that don’t make sense.
What occurs during the first date is a significant indicator of what is to come. A problem in any one of these areas, especially if it occurs more than once, is a warning sign that this person is not a suitable long-term partner.
First Date Question #2: Is physical intimacy and the timing of it, mutual?
It is a good indicator of respect when your potential partner observes your timing and takes the effort to make sure that physical intimacy is mutually desired. Is he/she willing to wait until you both feel ready? Do you feel rushed? Are your feelings and your values being treated with high regard? Remember, chemistry is important, but chemistry can fizzle, so you don’t want to make major decisions based on chemistry alone.
First Date Question #3: Does the date indicate “friendship potential”?
Any relationship with the potential of becoming a long term partnership involves an ever deepening friendship. This might involve doing fun things together, and a growing sense of stronger connection. Developing trust and deeper intimacy are important building blocks for a permanent partnership. It’s important to not overlook the potential for friendship. Love at first sight may be fun, but if it doesn’t seem like there is a potential for the relationship developing into a mutually satisfying, kind, compassionate, reliable and delightful friendship, then these are clues that the relationship is not on permanent ground.
First Date Question #4: Does the first date feel balanced and fair?
Is there a sense of reciprocity? Is there a fairly even ability to give and take? If one person is almost always giving or taking, this is a sure symptom of an unhealthy start. Is problem solving a mutual effort or does one person always dominate or give in? Are decisions shared? Is one person always in control? If so, watch out!
First Date Question #5: Do you feel that you can share and do things together?
Does it seem like you will enjoy sharing time and doing things together? Do you feel like this person could become a best friend? Can you share your feelings openly and honestly? Do you feel safe on every level when you’re with this person? Is your partner patient and supportive while dealing with ordinary tasks of life or while dealing with others such as waiters? Do you feel like this is someone you could enjoy doing “nothing” with together?
First Date Question #6: How well do you feel you are communicating together?
A relationship has staying power if you communicate well. That means that you can express the good feelings easily, as well as work through the “bad” ones. You are able to disagree and resolve differences without hurting each other. You want to make sure that even if there is a disagreement, that there is still mutual respect for each other’s position. Do you feel like you will be able to make requests for new behavior, and have those requests heard? If your date does point out something critical about you, does he or she do the without making attacks on your personality? From what you’ve observed, so you think this potential partner will be able to “stay in the game” during a fight, and not withdraw and disappear emotionally? Do you believe your partner will be reasonable during a disagreement?
First Date Question # 7: Is your sense of well-being enhanced by being with this person?
One very important clue is to ask yourself : “Do I feel more energized by this person, or drained by them?” Do you feel better about yourself or diminished emotionally after spending the first date together? Do you feel solid, grounded and stable when you are with your partner? Do you feel fundamentally accepted for who you are? If not, then this person may not be a healthy choice for you, and will ultimately bring out the worst instead of the best in you.
These first date questions that you ask yourself are like seven clues to finding permanent partnership. They really are important indicators, and the issues discussed often show up in the first few dates. So keep your eyes open, take the time to ask yourself these questions, and don’t accept anything less. Don’t settle for someone who doesn’t treat you well! You deserve true, authentic, passionate partnership and everlasting love!
"I love you!"
Those are the three words we most want to hear.
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