Some women continually fall in love with men who are emotionally unavailable. They just can’t seem to resist these “bad boys” – and their emotional unavailability just seems to add to their raw sex appeal. Why do women fall for “Bad Boys?” Read on to find out.
“He’s a scoundrel! He’s unpredictable, dishonest, sometimes even downright mean,” Katie complained about her new boyfriend. Then a moment later she admitted, “and completely irresistible!”
Why do intelligent, attractive, capable women fall for the “Bad Boys?” My client files are filled with so many stories of good women in love with the “bad boys.” It may look to any neutral observer like an accident waiting to happen, but it’s clear to me that this pattern is no accident. When you spot emotional unavailability, you need to train yourself to run in the other direction.
“Bad Boys” seem to have an erotic edge of danger that’s hard to resist. From the leader of the pack from the wrong side of the tracks, to Presidential Romeos, numerous Hollywood celebrities, to the Alpha Males in every arena, they hold our attention like nobody else. But, obsession with bad boys is curable, for those who are ready, willing and able to do the work of letting go of childhood patterns of dysfunctional love.
Liza, a tall, beautiful woman with a great job and a sparkling personality, came to my office in tears: “Why do I keep choosing the wrong man?” Liza has once again fallen in love with a footloose man.
Then there is Leilani, who is in love with a man who can’t support himself, and she can’t bring herself to leave him. She is caught in a “rescue fantasy,” that originated in her relationship with her depressed alcoholic father, who she couldn’t save. She has always been drawn to dangerous men who have an extremely seductive fragile side. She wants to save him from his pain, and be rewarded by his undying love. And so, once again she is hooked on a man who causes her pain. She gravitates to emotional unavailability like a moth to a flame.
Tina is having a highly passionate affair with her boss. She takes all kinds of risks and puts up with a roller coaster ride of emotional extremes from this illicit affair with a glamorous and powerful man. She says she wants a “real relationship” but by being with a charming womanizer who will never commit, she never realizes that it is she who has the fear of intimacy. It is easier -- and hauntingly familiar -- to be always in a state of wishing he could deliver something he never will. At least then she gets someone to blame for what has always been missing in her life. These Bad Boys have perfected a destructive game of emotional unavailability.
“Bad Boys break hearts and humiliate women – all out of an unconscious desire to prove they’re men, to get attention, or to get back at Mommy,” says Dr. Carole Lieberman, a guest on our radio program LOVE LIFE, and author of “Bad Boys: Why We Love Them, How to Live With Them, and When to Leave Them.”
She has identified twelve types of bad boys, and her book explains each one. For example, there is the “Wanton Wolf” (Jack Nicholson could play him well), a compulsive flirt and womanizer. These men are constantly trying to prove that they are real men by the number of conquests they can make. These men are different in many ways, but they all have one treacherous thing in common when it comes to your heart – emotional unavailability.
Then there is the “Grandiose Dreamer” who may achieve great things in the world, but deep down is terrified of a woman getting too close to him. “Misunderstood and Married” is the type that subconsciously believes he was cheated by his mom and believes he deserves a second (or third!) woman as compensation.
Then there is what she calls the “Wounded Poet.” He is often an artistic type, who presents a hard exterior, but wants to test a woman with a wall of toughness to see if he can get her to see his true “inner brooding soul.” Other types include the “Man of Mystery” who has many secrets, the “Prince of Darkness” (like O.J. Simpson), who is truly dangerous, and there are several more.
If you are involved in a relationship with a “Bad Boy,” you have to ask yourself if what you are getting is worth the price you are paying. And you may be paying literally, by loaning money. Or you may be paying with lost self-esteem, or by having your heart broken in a thousand ways every day. Ask yourself, even if you feel that you love him, are you being used? Trust your intuition and take a look at the following signs of emotional unavailability.
Ten Sure Signs You’re Being Used:
1) He never introduces you to his family.
2) He rarely includes you in activities with his friends.
3) He only calls or comes by when he wants sex, and leaves right afterward.
4) When you see him, it’s always during the week, or when it’s convenient for him, never on Saturday night, or a holiday, or when it’s important to you.
5) When he does get together with you, its obvious he hasn’t given much thought to his appearance.
6) He won’t take your calls at work.
7) He doesn’t acknowledge holidays or occasions like your birthday with a gift.
8) When you want to discuss his behavior, he says, “It’s all in your head.”
9) When you’re sick, he doesn’t offer to bring you soup, cough syrup, or give you a shoulder to lean on.
10) You never spend the night at his place.
If you are stuck in an unhappy relationship with a “Bad Boy,” you may need help to get out. You deserve so much better than this! It is a very deep healing when you are ready to let yourself be truly loved by someone who may not be as glamorous or exciting, but is real. Authentic. Someone who is really here for you. Ready to love you for who you are. You have to let go of your addiction to imitation love in order to experience real love.
Once you do, you’ll never look back at the bad boys. Their emotional unavailability will simply not feel attractive any longer!
Because there’s nothing as good as the real thing!
"I love you!"
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Do You Keep Choosing The Wrong Man?
Jon Terrell,M.A., leads emotional healing retreats that help you work through old destructive patterns, many of which we learned in childhood.
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