If you are in a relationship with a stagnant or dormant sex life, or no sex at all, you are not alone! Many couples who may appear totally fine to the outside world, are having “sexual anorexia,” or the absence of sex in their lives. This is more common than you think, but most people don’t talk about it because they feel ashamed, as if they are doing something wrong, and they feel powerless about how to get it back. They have no clue how to have sex be a primary part of their relationship.
If there is no sex, or minimal sex, in your relationship, but it is otherwise a loving and functional relationship, it is worth saving! It takes work, and it also takes thinking outside the box to jump start your passion again.
There are many reasons why couples slide into no sex routines. One of the most common reasons for a lack of sex in relationships is fatigue. Putting passion back into busy lives is getting to be a challenge when many partners are working more hours than ever.
What’s good for economic well-being may be disastrous for love lives.
The by-product of such busy-ness is often exhaustion, resentment and -- in the bedroom, waning desire. The sad truth is that more and more couples are sharing a bed, but no longer sharing their love.
Ambition, the desire to provide, job fulfillment are all wonderful. And we certainly can’t get through life without producing an income. But if this side of your life gets out of balance, and work becomes the first priority in life, it can leave little energy left for intimacy...it can lead to no sex. We see many couples who have found themselves silently resigned to an ongoing avoidance of sex. When one or both partners are chronically tired, sex in the relationship is often the first thing to go.
Vince Lombardi, the football coach, said: "Fatigue makes cowards of us all." If you are too tired, you are less likely to take emotional risks in the relationship. You are more likely to "just let things go as they are." When we are dating, one reason that the relationship is passionate is that we take risks with each other. We try new things. But when we are tired, we just don't "put out" that kind of effort.
"We just don't have time anymore," Trish complained, about their two-career marriage. "Either he's exhausted, or I am." Greg echoes, "We've been going on for so long like this, I just don't know how to get back in the saddle again."
It's true. It isn't easy to make the kind of changes necessary to put the passion back into a marriage or long-term partnership. But the dangers of letting a relationship become passionless for too long and having no sex can run the risk of everything from a lingering feeling of emptiness -- to infidelity. If you care about your relationship, start to do something about it now -- before you have to call a divorce lawyer. Sex in a relationship is a kind of glue that gives you the willingness to stick it out together. The good news is its never too late to go from no sex to getting sex in your relationship back on track.
Four Simple Steps To Regaining Passion in Your Relationship
1) TALK ABOUT IT!
Every sexual problem also has an underlying communication problem. There’s something that isn’t being said – or isn’t being heard. Talking about it brings it out into the open and begins to lift the tension. You can deal with a problem that is known and visible. It is impossible to solve a problem that nobody is even admitting exists. Talking about the sex in your relationship, (or the lack of it) puts you both in the same camp, and sets the stage for the possibility of solutions to no sex or minimal sex.
2) MAKE PASSION A PRIORITY
Both partners must desire a turnaround in their relationship's sexual stagnation. You can rekindle sex in your relationship if you decide to be solution oriented, rather than sticking with your position about what is wrong with your partner. Stop making it his or her fault. Complaining doesn’t lead to passion. Only the willingness to feel passion leads to more passion. Make a commitment to have some sensual time each week, and stick to it no matter what. Money and other life responsibilities are important, but so is your responsibility to love and happiness. Making the decision to make passion a priority is the first step to getting sex in relationships happening again.
3) MAKE A DATE FOR "SNUGGLES ONLY"
If you and your partner have been non-sexual for a long period of time, you may have to ease back into sensuality. Making a date for sex can, at first, feel too mechanical or intimidating. This pressure may cause one or both of you to sabotage the effort to get sex back in the relationship. Just make a date to snuggle. Be close and cuddle, without any pressure to make love. Do not accept any outside distractions for at least one hour. The goal or agenda is not to have sex, but to have closeness! If sex happens, great! If not, the door is beginning to open, allowing both of you to start feeling some of those yummy feelings again.
4) VARIETY IS THE SPICE OF LIFE
Do something different!! Sex is not just a bedroom affair. Rent a cheap motel room and pretend you just picked each other up -- or a fancy honeymoon suite! Take a walk on the beach, or go to a scenic "make-out spot" at night. Do it in the car! In a parking lot, a roof top. “Newness” is an aphrodisiac for many people, and you need to create new experiences and possibilities to get sex in relationships going again. Break the pattern of “sense-less” routines by making out or making love at any place that is different, romantic or exciting. Have some fun!! (You know you want to.)
In every relationship there is a cost for doing nothing. Sex-starved couples are heading for disaster. Seek counseling to deal with the underlying causes of disconnection between you. It might be a little outside your comfort zone at first, but the price for inaction is too high.
Take a risk! You deserve a sensually fulfilling life. Go and re-discover it by beginning the process of exploration of what you both need to get the passion back in your love lives. You deserve to have healthy sex in your relationship!
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