Emotional Unavailability in Men
Break Your Habit Of Falling For These Men
Some women continually fall in love with men who are emotionally
unavailable. They just can’t seem to resist these “bad boys" – and
their emotional unavailability just seems to add to their raw sex
appeal. Why do women fall for “Bad Boys?" Read on to find out.
“He’s a scoundrel! He’s unpredictable, dishonest, sometimes even
downright mean," Katie complained about her new boyfriend. Then a
moment later she admitted, “and completely irresistible!"
Why do intelligent, attractive, capable women fall for the “Bad
Boys?" My client files are filled with so many stories of good women in
love with the “bad boys." It may look to any neutral observer like an
accident waiting to happen, but it’s clear to me that this pattern is no
accident. When you spot emotional unavailability, you need to train
yourself to run in the other direction.
“Bad Boys" seem to have an erotic edge of danger that’s hard to
resist. From the leader of the pack from the wrong side of the tracks,
to Presidential Romeos, numerous Hollywood celebrities, to the Alpha
Males in every arena, they hold our attention like nobody else. But,
obsession with bad boys is curable, for those who are ready, willing and
able to do the work of letting go of childhood patterns of
Liza, a tall, beautiful woman with a great job and a sparkling
personality, came to my office in tears: “Why do I keep choosing the
wrong man?" Liza has once again fallen in love with a footloose man.
Then there is Leilani, who is in love with a man who can’t
support himself, and she can’t bring herself to leave him. She is
caught in a “rescue fantasy," that originated in her relationship with
her depressed alcoholic father, who she couldn’t save. She has always
been drawn to dangerous men who have an extremely seductive fragile
side. She wants to save him from his pain, and be rewarded by his
undying love. And so, once again she is hooked on a man who causes her
pain. She gravitates to emotional unavailability like a moth to a flame.
Tina is having a highly passionate affair with her boss. She
takes all kinds of risks and puts up with a roller coaster ride of
emotional extremes from this illicit affair with a glamorous and
powerful man. She says she wants a “real relationship" but by being
with a charming womanizer who will never commit, she never realizes that
it is she who has the fear of intimacy. It is easier -- and hauntingly
familiar -- to be always in a state of wishing he could deliver
something he never will. At least then she gets someone to blame for
what has always been missing in her life. These Bad Boys have perfected a
destructive game of emotional unavailability.
“Bad Boys break hearts and humiliate women – all out of an
unconscious desire to prove they’re men, to get attention, or to get
back at Mommy," says Dr. Carole Lieberman, a guest on our radio program
LOVE LIFE, and author of “Bad Boys: Why We Love Them, How to Live With
Them, and When to Leave Them."
She has identified twelve types of bad boys, and her book
explains each one. For example, there is the “Wanton Wolf" (Jack
Nicholson could play him well), a compulsive flirt and womanizer. These
men are constantly trying to prove that they are real men by the number
of conquests they can make. These men are different in many ways, but
they all have one treacherous thing in common when it comes to your
heart – emotional unavailability.
Then there is the “Grandiose Dreamer" who may achieve great
things in the world, but deep down is terrified of a woman getting too
close to him. “Misunderstood and Married" is the type that
subconsciously believes he was cheated by his mom and believes he
deserves a second (or third!) woman as compensation.
Then there is what she calls the “Wounded Poet." He is often an
artistic type, who presents a hard exterior, but wants to test a woman
with a wall of toughness to see if he can get her to see his true “inner
brooding soul." Other types include the “Man of Mystery" who has many
secrets, the “Prince of Darkness" (like O.J. Simpson), who is truly
dangerous, and there are several more.
If you are involved in a relationship with a “Bad Boy," you have
to ask yourself if what you are getting is worth the price you are
paying. And you may be paying literally, by loaning money. Or you may
be paying with lost self-esteem, or by having your heart broken in a
thousand ways every day. Ask yourself, even if you feel that you love
him, are you being used? Trust your intuition and take a look at the
following signs of emotional unavailability.
Ten Sure Signs You’re Being Used:
1) He never introduces you to his family.
2) He rarely includes you in activities with his friends.
3) He only calls or comes by when he wants sex, and leaves right afterward.
4) When you see him, it’s always during the week, or when it’s
convenient for him, never on Saturday night, or a holiday, or when it’s
important to you.
5) When he does get together with you, its obvious he hasn’t given much thought to his appearance.
6) He won’t take your calls at work.
7) He doesn’t acknowledge holidays or occasions like your birthday with a gift.
8) When you want to discuss his behavior, he says, “It’s all in your head."
9) When you’re sick, he doesn’t offer to bring you soup, cough syrup, or give you a shoulder to lean on.
10) You never spend the night at his place.
If you are stuck in an unhappy relationship with a “Bad Boy," you
may need help to get out. You deserve so much better than this! It
is a very deep healing when you are ready to let yourself be truly loved
by someone who may not be as glamorous or exciting, but is real.
Authentic. Someone who is really here for you. Ready to love you for
who you are. You have to let go of your addiction to imitation love in
order to experience real love.
Once you do, you’ll never look back at the bad boys. Their emotional unavailability will simply not feel attractive any longer!
Because there’s nothing as good as the real thing!
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