JEALOUSY…The advanced response to an age old problem
Jealousy is part of the human experience. We all experience it. But when jealousy begins to dominate a relationship it can have disastrous consequences. This is because jealousy can grow like wild fire. Letting jealousy have its way with your mind is dangerous because soon, everything you see, or think you see, will be used to feed it. This is how jealousy can become an insatiable monster, if you start feeding it too much of the wrong food. If you indulge the jealousy monster, like feeding a pack of starving wolves, they’re just going to start coming back for more. But the good news is that you can learn how to overcome jealousy.
Jealousy hurts. It hurts you and your partner. Left unchecked it can wreak havoc. At some level you have to make a strong choice not to let it take over. You have to decide that you are not going to allow jealousy to ruin what is good between you and your partner. The bottom line is you can’t control your partner’s actions. Do you really want to spend the rest of your life being a cop, trying to control your partner?
You have no control over what feelings they have or reactions to people they see. There is only one thing you have control over, and that is your own reactions. Once you get this and commit to steering your own responses, jealousy can actually become your ally. You can overcome the misery of jealousy when you learn how to harness its power and gift.
Your jealousy may or may not be based on reality. I can’t answer that question for you. You need to create enough sense of safety for your partner so that they can learn that it is okay to tell you the truth. If you ask, “Are you attracted to Mary?” and your partner answers honestly, “Yes, I am,” and you freak out, that will be the last time they will tell you the truth. You have to work at creating a safe zone for talking about feelings that might provoke jealousy. You have to commit to the journey of learning how to overcome jealousy.
Making The Truth Safe
The first step is to have a conversation about valuing the truth, so much so that you will not punish your partner for telling you information that might trigger your reactions. Of course, to do this, you must be very committed to handling your own reactions. Do you want to know the truth? If you are not willing to hear the truth, then don’t ask for it.
This is “Advanced Advice” for people in committed relationships. It is for people who are not only committed to each other, but are committed to honesty, and are willing to make the other person feel safe by not making their attraction responses or interests wrong. It is for people who recognize that from time to time we are attracted to others, for various reasons, but we can learn how to use that energy to bring us back to our primary committed relationship.
If we are feeling attracted to somebody, there is something vital that is being awakened, and that can be useful if you choose to “reroute” that energy to fuel the passion at home. We need to learn how to use the attraction for one person, as a positive trigger, then express that passion at home. In this way, outside attractions can be used like fertilizer, to tend the garden at home. Applying this discipline will help you learn how to overcome jealousy.
Jealousy Can Become Your Ally
The way you can learn how to to overcome jealousy and view it as an ally instead of an enemy is to realize that jealousy can be a communication tool. The first understanding is to realize that jealousy is your inner being trying to get your attention. It has a message for you. Don’t ignore this opportunity by making your partner wrong because he or she “made you feel jealous.”
Jealousy is an indication that you feel disconnected or left out. There is something that you want to feel that you are not feeling or expressing, within yourself. Taking the example of the flirty neighbor Mary who “makes you feel jealous,” you can realize that maybe you want to have that same sense of freedom or confidence yourself. You want to be looked at and admired, too. This will help you learn how to overcome jealousy.
If you treat this jealous response as a message from your inner guidance that there is something that you feel you are missing or you are disconnected from, you can get a lot of freedom. The next time you have a jealous response, you can cope with the jealousy and its negative effects by realizing there is something for you to learn. There is something for you to claim about your own desires. In this case, to have the ease to display some sexual or playful flirty signals, as Mary allowed herself to do.
You can learn how to overcome jealousy by learning to accept it as part of human experience and learning to use it as guidance for what you want to experience. We only get jealous when we are not experiencing our own power in a certain area, or we think we are going to be left out of a certain connection. When you feel that, remember you have the power to feel whatever you want. You can be sexy, flirty and fun, too! Nourish that connection with your partner on new and playful levels, just like when you were first dating. With some effort, over time, you will learn how to overcome jealousy.
"I love you!"
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